


in favor of what parts have you left us

by burningtoashes



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:30:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3527774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burningtoashes/pseuds/burningtoashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about jellybeans.<br/>-or-<br/>Akane takes two things from Kagari's desk before they clear it away to make room for the new Enforcer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in favor of what parts have you left us

Akane takes two things from Kagari’s desk before they clear it away to make room for the new Enforcer.  
The first is a little stuffed dog, so worn out that its insides are working their way out through torn seams. It was clearly the oldest of the various toys that he kept with him. Its faded plastic eyes seemed too deep, too knowing for something inanimate. It held his memories, somehow, she was sure. It knew what little there was to know. It had been with Kagari through every moment of his existence.

(because it couldn’t be called a life, not really)

The dog she keeps on her desk. It’s a reminder, for when she falls a bit too far back into easy routine, of what she’s working for. It stares at her. It’s a reminder of everything that shouldn’t have been and everything that maybe should have been instead.  
The distorted smile in the rearview mirror haunts her, because it was the closest to the truth that she had ever seen him get.  
The second thing is the jar of jellybeans.  
Those she takes home with her, because the smoking habit she’s picked up from Kogami gets her enough worried looks from Ginoza and Kunizuka. The jellybeans aren’t for the present anyway. They’re for remembering the past.  
Kagari was always eating so many jellybeans. When it’d whittle down to about half-full, he’d start his sighing and whining about needing to go out to get more until Akane broke and volunteered or Ginoza broke and volunteered Akane. By that time the jar would be just about empty. She’d take him out to the candy store, watch his eyes light up at the sights and the sounds and the smell of sweetness. He grew up too fast and at the same time never grew up.

(never will now, too late)

There was a color, a flavor for every emotion and every situation. Cinnamon when he was melancholy, orange when he was excited, cotton candy when he was mad. It never made much sense to her.  
Sometimes, when they were alone together in the office, she’d feel his concentration break, eyes wandering over to her turned back. She’d meet his stare. He sat with his legs criss-crossed together, something thoughtful in the tilt of his head. When they were looking at each other, he’d eat a yellow one. Lemon. And then he’d smile with sharp teeth and shattered eyes.  
When she is feeling brave one day, she pauses to ask Sibyl what he’d looked like when he died.  
“Kagari Shusei,” it murmurs, consulting its collective memory, “smiled like a fool.”  
She won’t ever dare let Sibyl see her hurt, betrayal, guilt, rage, disgust, nothing, even if it can probably sense it from the minute changes in her body language. She keeps her shudder down as she thinks of ripping bones and tearing skin. She keeps her shudder down and she keeps her voice even and smirks like he might and says, “Seems about right.”

(he wasn’t afraid of anything)

Since she’s put that dog on her desk, Kagari’s been turning up unexpectedly. He just appears, randomly, without pattern or purpose, minding his own business. He never speaks, he just looks. And sometimes he smiles. And sometimes he doesn't.   
The first time, she’d been working on a report and had glanced up from her screen as she stretched and he’d just been sitting there, in front of her, kicking his legs in the air. She’d fallen backwards out of her chair. Kunizuka had hurried to help her up, reached out a hand for her to take, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Kagari, silently laughing at her.  
Kunizuka shook her shoulder, but she just stared at his teeth and his eyes and his hands. They looked like they were there. Like she could reach out through the plains of existence and draw him back beside her.

(he deserved a chance to laugh loudly)

But when she blinks, he’s gone again and she pretends that her heart hasn’t flown out of her chest with him.  
She eats herself sick that night until she can feel her teeth rotting and her stomach feels like its curdling. Work still comes in the morning, though, so she throws it all up again. Ginoza, she’s sure, notices that something’s wrong and she hates him for it because she can’t talk to him about it, can’t tell him about the horrible truths and Kagari in the wrong place even if it was the right time. So she lights a cigarette and tries not to let her voice waver.  
Her Psycho-Pass stays clear. It drives her crazy, sometimes. She wishes that there could be steadfast proof, sometimes, that somebody is grieving for the little boy who'd managed to die even when he’d never been alive to begin with.  
She dreams one night that they’re high schoolers like Masaoka told her high schoolers used to be, matching uniforms and the warm sun of spring on their cheeks. There’s cherry blossoms, petals falling and fluttering in the breeze, and even when he touches the base of her skull as he kisses her, she is not afraid. 

(it tastes tart, like lemon)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this quickly after watching the series- I really didn't think they made enough use of Kagari. I mean, that's a pretty sucky life. Anyway, this is just my tribute to a great show and some great characters.  
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
